Friday, June 5, 2015

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exercise #5: sadness, regret


"Did you ever really care about me?"

She sighed. His mind had floated back to their dark times - when she had needed to move away for work, and suffer those three years of solitude. It hadn't helped his situation at all...

"Of course I did, honey," she said with soothing words. "You're my everything." The words felt hollow in her mouth, turning to bitter dust as they slipped through her lips. She ignored the slight vibration that came from the direction of her purse, as she stroked his hair. He pouted.

"You were away so long! Your letters were all I had. Not even an e-mail or some sort of video or..." he trailed away, as if far away and mumbling to himself.

"You said you liked letters better," she said accusingly. "They're more personal, they have more feeling. You wrote and told me you loved my writing!"

"Hmph," he retorted. "There was nothing from you for a whole year! And I only saw you when you were here to visit your family. I didn't even factor into your calculations!"

"You told me it was fine - and you were always busy when I came by. I'd call you, but no-one would pick up. Only hours later would you text back! I thought you didn't want me to disturb you - you always told me we would never be clingy. What happened?"

He looked away out the window for a moment, his eyes glazing over. In the brief pause, she walked over to her bag and retrieved her phone. She glanced at the incoming messages, and then silenced the insistent vibrations. The only sound that echoed through the room was her foot tapping against the floor, syncopated with the growls of the machines around them.

"Well, I guess if you don't want to say anythi-"

"I...guess I tried too hard," he interrupted, as his words glided across the air. "All those times...I would be preparing the perfect dinner, the perfect outing...the perfect night for a perfect lady to return. It was an obsession..."

She froze, startled by his reply. He'd never told her about this.

"I remember one time...I think Spring of '08 when you were back to discuss options after the crash. I was so excited to see you again. I was remembering the smell of your hair again, the intoxication I felt the first time we met. I was anticipating the brief look of elation you would show on your face as soon as I appeared, and then tried to hide it as if it was all in my head. Everything was building to that moment..." He trailed off, clearing his throat with hacking coughs.

"Do you remember the hills? The summer we spent frolicking like larks, chasing each other like puppies, excited just to be in each other's presence.We'd be wandering a trail - maybe in a forest, or just between meadows - when you'd suddenly run off, shouting behind you joyfully for me to catch up to you. And I would. Every particle, every molecule, every atom of my being wanted you in that moment. I wanted to feel that longing again.

"And when I caught up to you, we'd tumble over in the grass, and I'd kiss you - I'd kiss the hell out of you." She smiled - it was his favourite phrase. He was becoming the man she had known for years, the one who would clean out the coffee machine without asking, the one who had pulled her out of the furious creek on that memorable meandering hike...the one she continuously and inexorably fell for, time and time again.

Maybe he would-

He convulsed suddenly, the machines bellowing in a cacophonous roar - a lion woken from its slumber.

She wiped away the blurred mist from her eyes and stepped out slowly, gathering her things as the attendants stampeded into the clean, sharp room. She sighed - that was close. He had nearly been himself again.

Alas. She rummaged in her bag for a moment, seeking her solace for the night.

"No worries, my love. I'll be with you soon."

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