“Mate, did you check out the link I sent you?” Nigel said excitedly as he jumped in Ada’s beat-up blue Toyota.
“The what?” Ada said distractedly, scrolling on her phone. “Oh, right…I’ll add it to my list.”
“Ads!” Nigel rapped his knuckles pointedly on the dash. “You never get through the stuff I recommend you, but this time you gotta!”
Ada brushed her messy brown hair out of her eyes, and slowly looked up at him. His eyes shone with excitement and as he perched on the edge of the front seat, his leg jittered in anticipation.
“Why?”
“It’s going to be our next great venture!” Nigel cried out, dramatically.
Ada sighed, “Last time you said this we tried to do Esio Trot with dogs. Before that, we nearly got done for doing a heist on that butcher, Ocean’s Eleven style, but with just like…two of us! And we didn’t even get the steaks! We suck at this, Nige, and I hate losing all the time - what dumb idea did you dream up this time??”
“We got some skewers though, didn't we?” Nigel said distractedly. He rummaged in his tattered, worn brown bag, pulled out a dog-eared copy of Tales of the Unexpected by Roald Dahl, and triumphantly slammed it down in Ada’s lap. She yelped, and swatted him away.
“Oi!”
“Sorry, sorry! I’m just excited - look!” He ripped open the book at a bookmark, and presented it to Ada.
VENGEANCE IS MINE INC.
“So in this story, the guys set up a revenge service for the upper crust to humiliate columnists and gossipers who are bitching about them in newspapers. Depending on the price, they offered a black eye, a punch in the nose, getting tossed naked in Fifth Avenue, or putting a rattlesnake in their car!”
“You…want us to put snakes in people’s cars? Didn’t we learn from the dogs already?”
Nigel laughed, “Well no, not snakes. But like, we could do something like this, right? People always want to do something about these situations, but they can’t do it themselves. We won’t kill, we won’t harm, like…too much, but -”
“Nige, this is ridiculous. I’m not giving anyone a black eye,” Ada said in an attempt to end the conversation, and started up the car. Nige strapped in, unperturbed.
“Remember that time you found who Nicole’s ex was cheating with? I was goddamn blown away at the level of focus and sheer dedication of will that got you to track down her tumblr username from her insta handle, and then track down her name, phone number and address from old posts. That shit was metal! People would definitely pay for that!
“And then, like, we can work out some embarrassing shit to send to people’s bosses, or TP their houses or something….”
“That hack was a favour for Nicole…well, to prove me right. And toilet paper? Sorry Nige, the 80’s called and want their prank back.”
“I guess so…” Nigel purposely trailed off. He paused, letting the idea sit with Ada, and turned to look out the window. The landscape flew past them as they made their way out of the winding back roads of the Victorian high country into town, seeing the spring sun highlight the honeyed hills speckled with tree lines, barns, and the occasional horse. The muted pop music crackling out of the old radio helped provide a particularly discomfiting ambience.
“I mean look, toilet paper is dumb,” Ada said finally. “We’d have to make it something that people could actually see, right?”
“Yep…” Nigel agreed, letting the idea bloom in Ada’s head.
“Like, yeah we can do all the online stuff, but exposing ourselves in person…we’d need to be very careful what we do. I’m talking ski masks and all that shit we had from the butcher heist.”
“Definitely,” Nigel nodded vigorously as she continued.
“And this time, maybe let’s do it somewhere else, not round here? That way we can’t get done like last time,” Ada knuckles whitened as she gripped the steering wheel, feeling the familiar thrill of the potential of riches through an insanely brilliant, but stupid idea. “Those skewers were not worth it.”
“I was thinking we’d have to take a trek into Melbourne - there’s more people there, more embarrassment that could be wrought, and I mean uh…you can work it from your phone, right?”
Ada nodded, “And…what would your value add be, Nige? Feels like I’m just doing everything again.”
“Well, we gotta find these people right? Leave it with me,” Nigel declared. “And I’ll do all the actual heavy lifting with whatever we end up offering!”
Ada looked over at him skeptically, “Right, you’ll find all these celebrities who just happen to be in Melbourne and also just happen to have pissed someone off who’ll pay us? And then you’ll, oh, I don’t know, TP their houses after we stalk them home?”
Nigel smiled triumphantly, “So you’re in, then?” Ada sighed and turned back to driving.
—
“i set up the insta”
“@newvengeance”
“wtf”
“that’s aggressive”
“i thought we said @complaintsanon?”
“also what about the Telegram i set up??”
“VETOED”
“[Batman gif “I am Vengeance” inserted here]”
“:D”
“[middle finger emoji]”
“it’s fine - I set up a new one at @newvengeance”
“chill outtt”
quote [@newvengeance] “but it’s pretty good, right?”
“got some ad credits to set us up - how’s the message lookin’?”
“well i gotta change it now”
“brb”
…
“okay check this out below:”
“hey <name> - sorry to message out of the blue, but we heard someone was taking the piss out of ya: <insert link here>. not a very nice thing to do, and i’m sure you’re feeling shitty about it.
but we can help you out with that.
for a small fee, starting at as little as $20, we can offer a number of services to help you get some relief. Telegram us on @newvengeance if you’re keen to chat”
“not bad”
“stop saying sorry at the start of things, just go straight into it”
“hey <name> - we heard someone was taking the piss out of ya: <insert link here>. pretty shit thing to do, but I think we can help you get some entertainment out of it.
with our prices starting at $20, we can offer a number of services to help you get what’s yours. Telegram us on @newvengeance if you’re keen to chat”
“what’s the menu we said again?”
“kk lets go with that”
quote [“what’s the menu we said again?”] “okay so we started with some, but i read the piece and thought it would be funny to add a few more:”
“Menu:
Glitter bomb [$20]
Chuck a beer on them at a pub / bar [$30]
Pie to the face (anywhere) [$50]
Chuck a full bottle of wine on them (anywhere) [$80]
Punch in the nose [$100]
Smear shit on their car (animal type on request) [$500]
All options come with a free personalised video clip for your ongoing viewing pleasure, that can be anonymously published online on request.”
“ads that is GENIUS”
“chucking wine and beer? HILARIOUS”
…
“we sure we can source…shit?”
“:’D”
“if someone pays me $500 to do it, then yeah”
“of any animal?”
“i took out the snake thing though - i don’t wanna touch no fkn snakes”
“yeah easy dude, we can get it”
“alright…if you say so”
“this is gonna be great”
“LET’S DO IT ADS!!”
“woo!”
—
In the week that followed, the New Vengeance team was hard at work scouring through news columns, insta posts, and opinion blogs for people they could reach out to. However, annoyingly, all these people were talking about global celebrities and their stupid, global, international issues.
“Kim’s never going to come down here!” Ada complained for the 30th time. “And I don’t think Gal Godot is going to care about hate comments online.”
Nigel was deep in thought lying on his bed, throwing a ball up and down, while Ada was gloomily stabbing at her phone, sorting through the endless stream of celebrity gossip and news.
“We’re just too…global, Ads,” Nigel said thoughtfully. “We need to get celebrities before they’re celebrities, you know? Like…up and comers that are from Australia.”
“What, just try and infiltrate the theatre scene? Walk on to a red carpet and say ‘hey, wanna punch that guy who called you a whore last week?’” Ada scoffed.
“Ugh, that’s true,” Nige said.
A pause.
“Who are the new celebrities of the internet, y’know? The ones that no-one really knows about yet but would love to get back at people?”
“Like…what, influencers?”
Nige bounced up, “That’s it! We’ll go after the influencers!”
“What, fashion influencers? Food influencers? ‘Oh, go and chuck a beer on that other foodfluencer because she ate something better than me’? Come on Nige, we really going to go after some talentless fashionistas who are buying clothes and makeup and shit?”
“No no, the streamers,” Nige got up and started pacing. His hands gesticulated wildly as his mind churned. “The ones terminally online, but still like…experiencing the world. The…uh, vloggers! Yeah! IRL streams and stuff - where they come out and share what they’re eating and doing all day long. They always do such dumb stuff - surely someone wants to see them embarrassed and suffer?”
Ada stopped, and looked thoughtfully at Nigel, “Wait, that’s actually not a stupid idea…”
“And then, and then,” Nigel continued. “And then, because they’re always doing those in person events, we can just be part of the crowd and attack at will! Following them will be eeeeeeasy.”
“We’ll just have to escape their rabid fans, hey?” Ada said, helium leaking out of her transitory optimism.
“It’ll be funny,” Nigel laughed. “They’re always doing this shit for content - let’s just add to it. Don’t worry about the fans, leave it with me.”
Ada sighed, and felt the edge of the idea ballooning out again. This was the dangerous part, when everything seemed so good.
“Just think about all that money,” Nigel whispered to her.
“That holiday’s going to be so good,” Ada sighed. “If we ever get there.”
“Italy awaits, my friend!” Nigel swept her up and twirled her around. “Imagine the pasta, the pizza, the Colosseum, the hazy summers and the dry wines. Sunning next to Lake Como in Milan, taking the trains across the gorgeous countryside - anything to get us out of this shithole for a while.”
Ada chuckled, “But not before we smear some shit on some guy’s car, hey?”
“Yeah, we might have to change that up a bit…”
—
“is this real?”
“hey there digicat - yeah it’s real”
“wanna hear what’s on offer?”
“lmao okay sure”
“Menu:
Glitter bomb [$20]
Chuck a beer on them at a pub / bar [$30]
Pie to the face (anywhere) [$50]
Chuck a full bottle of wine on them while on stream [$80]
Start a food fight on stream [$100]
Punch in the nose on stream [$100]
Spray them with skunk spray [$500]”
“bruh this is real? LOL”
“prove it”
“the realest! we’ll do our best to craft the best revenge”
“[picture of pies on a table]”
“we’re ready when you are”
“HAHAHA”
“omg this is fkin great”
“okay i want you to chuck a bunch of whipped cream on a pie and smash t0xxin in the face at his next fanmeet”
“It’s in 2 weeks”
“wait lemme get the deets”
“[LINK]”
“october 26th, pie to the face, the cream special”
“will that be all for today?”
“BAHAHA”
“okay if you can start a food fight somehow, I’ll chuck in $200 - double what you got there.”
“he hates this shit going wrong”
“HAHAHA this is going to be so fkin good”
“[@digicat has sent $50 to @newvengeance]”
“godspeed gentlemen”
“lovely doing business with ya”
—
“yo”
“hey sams3 - how’s it going?”
“whatchu got?”
“Menu:
Glitter bomb [$20]
Chuck a beer on them at a pub / bar [$30]
Pie to the face (anywhere) [$50]
Chuck a full bottle of wine on them while on stream [$80]
Start a food fight on stream [$100]
Punch in the nose on stream [$100]
Spray them with skunk spray [$500]”
“lol”
“Pies on special today - 2 for $80”
“[picture of pies on a table]”
“you keen?”
…
…
“hey man, still keen for this?”
“soz dude”
“yeah let’s do some pies”
“he fkin hates glitter - chuck that in too”
“no worries”
“next fanmeet is oct 26th so we’ll hit him then”
“[thumbs up emoji]”
“[@newvengeance requests $100]”
“nah”
“[sams3 has sent $50 to @newvengeance]”
“you get the other half on delivery”
“looking forward to it”
“Likewise”
“lovely doing business with ya”
—
“Do you reckon this is enough for a glitter bomb?” Ada asked, holding up a small packet of glitter.
Nige peered at it critically from down the aisle, “Ads, we want a bomb. That’s not even a squeak. They got anything bigger?”
Ada turned back and looked at the shelves in the art section of their local $2 shop. There was cheap, tacky jewellery, gaudy novelty candles, plastic sets of paint and paintbrushes, gift bags, crayons, a mind-bogglingly number of ribbons and buttons, and a box full of glitter packets.
“I’ll just get a bunch of them,” she mumbled, swiping half the box and pulling down some of the jewellery. “You got everything you need?”
Nigel strode back up to Ada, “Whipped cream, tape, two masks, some gloves, and we’ll pick up the potato and gravy on the way back at KFC.”
Ada looked down, “Seriously, Nige? Guy Faulkner masks?” Nigel frowned.
“What, what’s wrong with them?”
Ada smirked, picked one up and put on a deep voice, “Remember, remember, the 5th of November, gunpowder, treason and plot.”
“Oh,” Nigel’s face cleared up. “I just thought it was to help us be Anonymous. Like Anonymous, get it?”
Ada snickered and threw the mask back in the basket, “I guess so, Nige. Didn’t take you for a revolutionary.”
“Huh?”
“Don’t worry about it - you got everything?”
“Uh, yeah…” Nigel said uncertainly, hoping that he hadn’t missed an insult of some sort. “We’ve got enough pies, right?”
“Yeah, well, I think all up we had 3 people who wanted pies of some variety, and one overlaps, but there was someone who wanted a second pie,” Ada said, counting them off on her fingers. “Two clients for glitter bombs, so we’re not doing too badly here - the overlaps are working pretty well!”
“$320 for a couple hours of work ain’t too bad, hey? Couple more of these and we’ll be out in sweet, sweet Rome!”
Ada laughed, relaxed, “Pizza! Gelato!”
—
“I looked for the spray, by the way,” Ada said nonchalantly. They were 2 blocks away from Federation Square, sauntering with their hoodies and masks on, looking like they were going to a cosplay event. On this Thursday afternoon, the city was not buzzing, but was chugging along healthily for a post-COVID world.
“What?” Nigel said, looking around furtively. “What are you talking about?”
“Well, we got that new dude asking about the skunk spray, right?”
“Oh…right, yeah,” Nigel said. “But are we going to do that one?”
“It’s $500, Nige! So yeah, so I looked into it, and we can get the spray, or something extremely bad smelling, but it’s probably gonna backdraft on to us,” Ada said quickly. “I wonder if there’s some sort of covering we’ll need to wear…wait, let me check,” She reached for her phone.
Nigel grabbed her wrist, and hissed, “Ada, focus.”
They were approaching a gathering crowd which looked like the Pied Piper gathering children for their final adventure. The one selfie stick was held aloft up front, and the small crowd cheered behind them.
“We gotta get this right for our customers,” Nige said sternly.
“Oh, oh…yes of course,” Ada replied, shaking her head to clear the distractions as they joined the back of the crowd.
She and Nige pulled out the carefully prepared potato and gravy buckets from their plastic bags, and started to hand them out silently. Each of them had a ‘Be Ready - t0xxic’ printed on top, and they nodded to each person as they went. There were confused looks from the young faces around them, but once they saw the note and the signature, they grew quietly excited.
Bumping their way slowly through the pack, Nigel and Ada split off, taking out the paper glitter bombs from their packs, palming them in their hands, and moving to each side of the crowd as it flowed forward towards t0xxic.
“Hey toxic chatters what’s going onnnnn!” the pale-faced teenager swept his long fringe back as his jewelled fingers caught glints off the afternoon sun. His signature white-checkered suit jacket clashed with the loud lime green flared pants he wore. “This is t0xxic, your favourite gamba and irl streamer - we’re out here ripping up the town in Melbourne! Say hi to the best chatters who’ve come out to suppoooort!” He waved his selfie stick up and behind him to another uproarious cheer.
“Always keen to see some fans out here, we’re live, and live in person as well! Let’s GOOOO” t0xxic shouted, and leapt forward running across to the park across the river. His crowd jumped up behind him and caught Nigel and Ada off balance as the mob pushed forward, with excited whoops and chants. Helplessly, they stayed pace with the pack, which weaved through the park, back towards the bridge, down to Birrarung Marr, and looped back round to Federation Square.
As they returned to the square, out of breath and dishevelled, breaths heaving through their masks, t0xxic climbed over some bollards and jumped up on stage.
“TOXIC CHATTERS HOW YOU GOIN!!!” he yelled. A raucous cheer came up from the square. The families and other tourists looked alert at the sudden intrusion, looking left and right to see if there was some event they missed.
“Today we’ve got a packed day of content, and I want you to all be part of- oh, what’s this?” he pointed to Ada and Nigel. “Some Anonymous fucks trying to ruin my day?”
“We’re TOXICCC” Nigel shouted back. Another cheer from the crowd. T0xxic laughed and gestured to them both.
“Ah, superfans hey? Come up here so we can see you better!”
Ada shot a look, panicked, at Nigel, who confidently strode up to the stage. She looked around to try and find an exit out of the crowd, but like a deer in headlights, she froze. Gentle hands propelled her forwards towards the stage.
She stumbled forward and slowly joined Nigel on stage, who had positioned himself on the other side of t0xxic, joking and sharing banter.
“Looks pretty cool dude,” t0xxic said away from the mic. “Say hi to chat!” He stepped back and started admiring Nigel’s outfit, scanning up and down with the selfie stick to show the online chatters.
“O Toxic Leader,” Nigel intoned. “We have brought gifts to crown you king and emperor!”
“...what?” t0xxic looked confused at them. “Is this a bit?”
“No, seriously,” Nigel rummaged around in his backpack and pulled out a plastic golden crown. Ada took her cue, and pulled out a necklace, gaudy with plastic gems and rhinestones.
“Dude, I’m not wearing that,” t0xxic slapped their hands away, causing them to drop the crown and necklace. “This is super cringe, get the fuck off stage.”
“Sorry, sorry, we’ll go!” Nigel said in a mock panic, reaching into his backpack.
“But not before, this!”
With a whirl, he slammed a cream-filled pie straight into the back of t0xxic’s head, shunting him forward into…
SMACK! Ada’s other pie, which splattered whipped cream across his face. Spluttering, t0xxic tried to wipe the cream out of his eyes, but not before two more pies came straight at his gut, splattering apple and blueberry chunks across his pristine, white jacket.
“No!” he screamed, tottering backwards and falling on his back. “My jacket!!”
Nigel and Ada laughed, and turned to the crowd, hurling the remainders of the pies into the mob and reaching back into their backpacks.
“Food fight!” someone shouted from the crowd, throwing the first potato and gravy missile at the stage.
“Let’s get out of here!” Ada yelped as it narrowly missed her.
“We just have one more-” Nigel hurriedly, panting with adrenaline, and pulled out the envelopes, spilling some of the carefully packed glitter onto the stage. He swore, and chucked them in an arc across to t0xxic’s general direction, with glitter trailing behind, coating t0xxic in a fine rainbow of shimmering dust.
“NIGE!” Ada screamed, and pulled on his hoodie. The crowd had become chaotic, aiming most of their first shots at the two of them, but now starting to spread out and move towards the stage. White and brown potato chunks were flying in all directions, making the ground slippery with starch, and caking faces with oily gravy.
They ran out behind the stage, and headed into the city, ducking and weaving around the afternoon rush of office workers heading home. They were being pursued by a small breakaway of t0xxic fans, but the fants soon gave up to join back in the fun. Nigel’s phone buzzed as they ran back to the car, stashed away in an alleyway.
Jumping in the car, they quickly dumped their masks, gloves and backpacks into the dumpster behind them. Ada pulled out into the street and saw from afar that the chaos had spread out across the road into Flinders St station, with black t-shirted teens causing mayhem in the streets. An angry horn behind her brought her back to reality, and she quickly made a turn out to freedom.
—
A short 15 minutes later, as they were driving up the Hume Highway back home, Nigel whooped next to her. “Look at this!” he said excitedly.
“that shit was DOPE dude”
“[@digitcat has sent $200 to @newvengeance]”
“let’s do this again sometimes”
“I’m fuckin’ CACKLIN”
“[@gerodSIN has sent $100 to @newvengeance]”
“[sams3 has sent $50 to @newvengeance]”
“get outta town boys, t0xxic’s coming”
“The clips are gonna be outta control!” Nigel continued. “We gotta get some branding on this! Can we get our TikTok going?”
Nigel kept chattering as they sped along the freeway, dreaming up new ways to capitalise on their success. The sun slowly turned orange, and the freeway lights came on as they drove further into the heartland of the bush. Ada wound down the windows and let the fresh breeze in, breathing in the sweet honeyed air, buoyed by the first win in a long, long time.
“Yeah, sure, let’s do it,”Ada smiled.
Italy was waiting.