Friday, September 16, 2022

,

ad-hoc: New Vengeance

 “Mate, did you check out the link I sent you?” Nigel said excitedly as he jumped in Ada’s beat-up blue Toyota.

“The what?” Ada said distractedly, scrolling on her phone. “Oh, right…I’ll add it to my list.”


“Ads!” Nigel rapped his knuckles pointedly on the dash. “You never get through the stuff I recommend you, but this time you gotta!”


Ada brushed her messy brown hair out of her eyes, and slowly looked up at him. His eyes shone with excitement and as he perched on the edge of the front seat, his leg jittered in anticipation.


“Why?”


“It’s going to be our next great venture!” Nigel cried out, dramatically.


Ada sighed, “Last time you said this we tried to do Esio Trot with dogs. Before that, we nearly got done for doing a heist on that butcher, Ocean’s Eleven style, but with just like…two of us! And we didn’t even get the steaks! We suck at this, Nige, and I hate losing all the time - what dumb idea did you dream up this time??”


“We got some skewers though, didn't we?” Nigel said distractedly. He rummaged in his tattered, worn brown bag, pulled out a dog-eared copy of Tales of the Unexpected by Roald Dahl, and triumphantly slammed it down in Ada’s lap. She yelped, and swatted him away.


“Oi!”


“Sorry, sorry! I’m just excited - look!” He ripped open the book at a bookmark, and presented it to Ada.


VENGEANCE IS MINE INC.


“So in this story, the guys set up a revenge service for the upper crust to humiliate columnists and gossipers who are bitching about them in newspapers. Depending on the price, they offered a black eye, a punch in the nose, getting tossed naked in Fifth Avenue, or putting a rattlesnake in their car!”


“You…want us to put snakes in people’s cars? Didn’t we learn from the dogs already?”


Nigel laughed, “Well no, not snakes. But like, we could do something like this, right? People always want to do something about these situations, but they can’t do it themselves. We won’t kill, we won’t harm, like…too much, but -”


“Nige, this is ridiculous. I’m not giving anyone a black eye,” Ada said in an attempt to end the conversation, and started up the car. Nige strapped in, unperturbed.


“Remember that time you found who Nicole’s ex was cheating with? I was goddamn blown away at the level of focus and sheer dedication of will that got you to track down her tumblr username from her insta handle, and then track down her name, phone number and address from old posts. That shit was metal! People would definitely pay for that!


“And then, like, we can work out some embarrassing shit to send to people’s bosses, or TP their houses or something….”


“That hack was a favour for Nicole…well, to prove me right. And toilet paper? Sorry Nige, the 80’s called and want their prank back.”


“I guess so…” Nigel purposely trailed off. He paused, letting the idea sit with Ada, and turned to look out the window. The landscape flew past them as they made their way out of the winding back roads of the Victorian high country into town, seeing the spring sun highlight the honeyed hills speckled with tree lines, barns, and the occasional horse. The muted pop music crackling out of the old radio helped provide a particularly discomfiting ambience.


“I mean look, toilet paper is dumb,” Ada said finally. “We’d have to make it something that people could actually see, right?”


“Yep…” Nigel agreed, letting the idea bloom in Ada’s head.


“Like, yeah we can do all the online stuff, but exposing ourselves in person…we’d need to be very careful what we do. I’m talking ski masks and all that shit we had from the butcher heist.”


“Definitely,” Nigel nodded vigorously as she continued.


“And this time, maybe let’s do it somewhere else, not round here? That way we can’t get done like last time,” Ada knuckles whitened as she gripped the steering wheel, feeling the familiar thrill of the potential of riches through an insanely brilliant, but stupid idea. “Those skewers were not worth it.”


“I was thinking we’d have to take a trek into Melbourne - there’s more people there, more embarrassment that could be wrought, and I mean uh…you can work it from your phone, right?”


Ada nodded, “And…what would your value add be, Nige? Feels like I’m just doing everything again.”


“Well, we gotta find these people right? Leave it with me,” Nigel declared. “And I’ll do all the actual heavy lifting with whatever we end up offering!” 


Ada looked over at him skeptically, “Right, you’ll find all these celebrities who just happen to be in Melbourne and also just happen to have pissed someone off who’ll pay us? And then you’ll, oh, I don’t know, TP their houses after we stalk them home?”


Nigel smiled triumphantly, “So you’re in, then?” Ada sighed and turned back to driving.



“i set up the insta”

“@newvengeance”

“wtf”

“that’s aggressive”

“i thought we said @complaintsanon?”

“also what about the Telegram i set up??”

“VETOED”

“[Batman gif “I am Vengeance” inserted here]”

“:D”

“[middle finger emoji]”

“it’s fine - I set up a new one at @newvengeance”

“chill outtt”

quote [@newvengeance] “but it’s pretty good, right?”

“got some ad credits to set us up - how’s the message lookin’?”

“well i gotta change it now”

“brb”

“okay check this out below:”

“hey <name> - sorry to message out of the blue, but we heard someone was taking the piss out of ya: <insert link here>. not a very nice thing to do, and i’m sure you’re feeling shitty about it.
but we can help you out with that. 

for a small fee, starting at as little as $20, we can offer a number of services to help you get some relief. Telegram us on @newvengeance if you’re keen to chat”

“not bad”

“stop saying sorry at the start of things, just go straight into it”

“hey <name> - we heard someone was taking the piss out of ya: <insert link here>. pretty shit thing to do, but I think we can help you get some entertainment out of it. 

with our prices starting at $20, we can offer a number of services to help you get what’s yours. Telegram us on @newvengeance if you’re keen to chat”

“what’s the menu we said again?”

“kk lets go with that”

quote [“what’s the menu we said again?”] “okay so we started with some, but i read the piece and thought it would be funny to add a few more:”

“Menu:
Glitter bomb [$20]

Chuck a beer on them at a pub / bar [$30]
Pie to the face (anywhere) [$50]

Chuck a full bottle of wine on them (anywhere) [$80]

Punch in the nose [$100]

 Smear shit on their car (animal type on request) [$500]

All options come with a free personalised video clip for your ongoing viewing pleasure, that can be anonymously published online on request.”

“ads that is GENIUS”

“chucking wine and beer? HILARIOUS”

“we sure we can source…shit?”

“:’D”

“if someone pays me $500 to do it, then yeah”

“of any animal?”

“i took out the snake thing though - i don’t wanna touch no fkn snakes”

“yeah easy dude, we can get it”

“alright…if you say so”

“this is gonna be great”

“LET’S DO IT ADS!!”

“woo!”



In the week that followed, the New Vengeance team was hard at work scouring through news columns, insta posts, and opinion blogs for people they could reach out to. However, annoyingly, all these people were talking about global celebrities and their stupid, global, international issues.


“Kim’s never going to come down here!” Ada complained for the 30th time. “And I don’t think Gal Godot is going to care about hate comments online.”


Nigel was deep in thought lying on his bed, throwing a ball up and down, while Ada was gloomily stabbing at her phone, sorting through the endless stream of celebrity gossip and news.


“We’re just too…global, Ads,” Nigel said thoughtfully. “We need to get celebrities before they’re celebrities, you know? Like…up and comers that are from Australia.”


“What, just try and infiltrate the theatre scene? Walk on to a red carpet and say ‘hey, wanna punch that guy who called you a whore last week?’” Ada scoffed.


“Ugh, that’s true,” Nige said. 


A pause.


“Who are the new celebrities of the internet, y’know? The ones that no-one really knows about yet but would love to get back at people?”


“Like…what, influencers?”


Nige bounced up, “That’s it! We’ll go after the influencers!”


“What, fashion influencers? Food influencers? ‘Oh, go and chuck a beer on that other foodfluencer because she ate something better than me’? Come on Nige, we really going to go after some talentless fashionistas who are buying clothes and makeup and shit?”


“No no, the streamers,” Nige got up and started pacing. His hands gesticulated wildly as his mind churned. “The ones terminally online, but still like…experiencing the world. The…uh, vloggers! Yeah! IRL streams and stuff - where they come out and share what they’re eating and doing all day long. They always do such dumb stuff - surely someone wants to see them embarrassed and suffer?”


Ada stopped, and looked thoughtfully at Nigel, “Wait, that’s actually not a stupid idea…”


“And then, and then,” Nigel continued. “And then, because they’re always doing those in person events, we can just be part of the crowd and attack at will! Following them will be eeeeeeasy.”


“We’ll just have to escape their rabid fans, hey?” Ada said, helium leaking out of her transitory optimism.


“It’ll be funny,” Nigel laughed. “They’re always doing this shit for content - let’s just add to it. Don’t worry about the fans, leave it with me.”


Ada sighed, and felt the edge of the idea ballooning out again. This was the dangerous part, when everything seemed so good.


“Just think about all that money,” Nigel whispered to her.


“That holiday’s going to be so good,” Ada sighed. “If we ever get there.”


“Italy awaits, my friend!” Nigel swept her up and twirled her around. “Imagine the pasta, the pizza, the Colosseum, the hazy summers and the dry wines. Sunning next to Lake Como in Milan, taking the trains across the gorgeous countryside - anything to get us out of this shithole for a while.”


Ada chuckled, “But not before we smear some shit on some guy’s car, hey?”


“Yeah, we might have to change that up a bit…”



“is this real?”

“hey there digicat - yeah it’s real”

“wanna hear what’s on offer?”

“lmao okay sure”

“Menu:
Glitter bomb [$20]

Chuck a beer on them at a pub / bar [$30]
Pie to the face (anywhere) [$50]

Chuck a full bottle of wine on them while on stream [$80]

Start a food fight on stream [$100]

Punch in the nose on stream [$100]

 Spray them with skunk spray [$500]”

“bruh this is real? LOL”

“prove it”

“the realest! we’ll do our best to craft the best revenge”

“[picture of pies on a table]”

“we’re ready when you are”

“HAHAHA”

“omg this is fkin great”

“okay i want you to chuck a bunch of whipped cream on a pie and smash t0xxin in the face at his next fanmeet”

“It’s in 2 weeks”

“wait lemme get the deets”

“[LINK]”

“october 26th, pie to the face, the cream special”

“will that be all for today?”

“BAHAHA”

“okay if you can start a food fight somehow, I’ll chuck in $200 - double what you got there.”

“he hates this shit going wrong”

“HAHAHA this is going to be so fkin good”

“[@digicat has sent $50 to @newvengeance]”

“godspeed gentlemen”

“lovely doing business with ya”



“yo”

“hey sams3 - how’s it going?”

“whatchu got?”

“Menu:
Glitter bomb [$20]

Chuck a beer on them at a pub / bar [$30]
Pie to the face (anywhere) [$50]

Chuck a full bottle of wine on them while on stream [$80]

Start a food fight on stream [$100]

Punch in the nose on stream [$100]

 Spray them with skunk spray [$500]”

“lol”

“Pies on special today - 2 for $80”

“[picture of pies on a table]”

“you keen?”

“hey man, still keen for this?”

“soz dude”

“yeah let’s do some pies”

“he fkin hates glitter - chuck that in too”

“no worries”

“next fanmeet is oct 26th so we’ll hit him then”

“[thumbs up emoji]”

“[@newvengeance requests $100]”

“nah”

“[sams3 has sent $50 to @newvengeance]”

“you get the other half on delivery”

“looking forward to it”

“Likewise”

“lovely doing business with ya”



“Do you reckon this is enough for a glitter bomb?” Ada asked, holding up a small packet of glitter.


Nige peered at it critically from down the aisle, “Ads, we want a bomb. That’s not even a squeak. They got anything bigger?”


Ada turned back and looked at the shelves in the art section of their local $2 shop. There was cheap, tacky jewellery, gaudy novelty candles, plastic sets of paint and paintbrushes, gift bags, crayons, a mind-bogglingly number of ribbons and buttons, and a box full of glitter packets.


“I’ll just get a bunch of them,” she mumbled, swiping half the box and pulling down some of the jewellery. “You got everything you need?”


Nigel strode back up to Ada, “Whipped cream, tape, two masks, some gloves, and we’ll pick up the potato and gravy on the way back at KFC.”


Ada looked down, “Seriously, Nige? Guy Faulkner masks?” Nigel frowned.


“What, what’s wrong with them?”


Ada smirked, picked one up and put on a deep voice, “Remember, remember, the 5th of November, gunpowder, treason and plot.”


“Oh,” Nigel’s face cleared up. “I just thought it was to help us be Anonymous. Like Anonymous, get it?”


Ada snickered and threw the mask back in the basket, “I guess so, Nige. Didn’t take you for a revolutionary.”


“Huh?”


“Don’t worry about it - you got everything?”


“Uh, yeah…” Nigel said uncertainly, hoping that he hadn’t missed an insult of some sort. “We’ve got enough pies, right?”


“Yeah, well, I think all up we had 3 people who wanted pies of some variety, and one overlaps, but there was someone who wanted a second pie,” Ada said, counting them off on her fingers. “Two clients for glitter bombs, so we’re not doing too badly here - the overlaps are working pretty well!”


“$320 for a couple hours of work ain’t too bad, hey? Couple more of these and we’ll be out in sweet, sweet Rome!”


Ada laughed, relaxed, “Pizza! Gelato!”



“I looked for the spray, by the way,” Ada said nonchalantly. They were 2 blocks away from Federation Square, sauntering with their hoodies and masks on, looking like they were going to a cosplay event. On this Thursday afternoon, the city was not buzzing, but was chugging along healthily for a post-COVID world.


“What?” Nigel said, looking around furtively. “What are you talking about?”


“Well, we got that new dude asking about the skunk spray, right?”


“Oh…right, yeah,” Nigel said. “But are we going to do that one?”


“It’s $500, Nige! So yeah, so I looked into it, and we can get the spray, or something extremely bad smelling, but it’s probably gonna backdraft on to us,” Ada said quickly. “I wonder if there’s some sort of covering we’ll need to wear…wait, let me check,” She reached for her phone.


Nigel grabbed her wrist, and hissed, “Ada, focus.” 


They were approaching a gathering crowd which looked like the Pied Piper gathering children for their final adventure. The one selfie stick was held aloft up front, and the small crowd cheered behind them.


“We gotta get this right for our customers,” Nige said sternly.


“Oh, oh…yes of course,” Ada replied, shaking her head to clear the distractions as they joined the back of the crowd.


She and Nige pulled out the carefully prepared potato and gravy buckets from their plastic bags, and started to hand them out silently. Each of them had a ‘Be Ready - t0xxic’ printed on top, and they nodded to each person as they went. There were confused looks from the young faces around them, but once they saw the note and the signature, they grew quietly excited. 


Bumping their way slowly through the pack, Nigel and Ada split off, taking out the paper glitter bombs from their packs, palming them in their hands, and moving to each side of the crowd as it flowed forward towards t0xxic.


“Hey toxic chatters what’s going onnnnn!” the pale-faced teenager swept his long fringe back as his jewelled fingers caught glints off the afternoon sun. His signature white-checkered suit jacket clashed with the loud lime green flared pants he wore. “This is t0xxic, your favourite gamba and irl streamer - we’re out here ripping up the town in Melbourne! Say hi to the best chatters who’ve come out to suppoooort!” He waved his selfie stick up and behind him to another uproarious cheer. 


“Always keen to see some fans out here, we’re live, and live in person as well! Let’s GOOOO” t0xxic shouted, and leapt forward running across to the park across the river. His crowd jumped up behind him and caught Nigel and Ada off balance as the mob pushed forward, with excited whoops and chants. Helplessly, they stayed pace with the pack, which weaved through the park, back towards the bridge, down to Birrarung Marr, and looped back round to Federation Square.


As they returned to the square, out of breath and dishevelled, breaths heaving through their masks, t0xxic climbed over some bollards and jumped up on stage.


“TOXIC CHATTERS HOW YOU GOIN!!!” he yelled. A raucous cheer came up from the square. The families and other tourists looked alert at the sudden intrusion, looking left and right to see if there was some event they missed.


“Today we’ve got a packed day of content, and I want you to all be part of- oh, what’s this?” he pointed to Ada and Nigel. “Some Anonymous fucks trying to ruin my day?”


“We’re TOXICCC” Nigel shouted back. Another cheer from the crowd. T0xxic laughed and gestured to them both.


“Ah, superfans hey? Come up here so we can see you better!”


Ada shot a look, panicked, at Nigel, who confidently strode up to the stage. She looked around to try and find an exit out of the crowd, but like a deer in headlights, she froze. Gentle hands propelled her forwards towards the stage.


She stumbled forward and slowly joined Nigel on stage, who had positioned himself on the other side of t0xxic, joking and sharing banter.


“Looks pretty cool dude,” t0xxic said away from the mic. “Say hi to chat!” He stepped back and started admiring Nigel’s outfit, scanning up and down with the selfie stick to show the online chatters.


“O Toxic Leader,” Nigel intoned. “We have brought gifts to crown you king and emperor!”


“...what?” t0xxic looked confused at them. “Is this a bit?”


“No, seriously,” Nigel rummaged around in his backpack and pulled out a plastic golden crown. Ada took her cue, and pulled out a necklace, gaudy with plastic gems and rhinestones.


“Dude, I’m not wearing that,” t0xxic slapped their hands away, causing them to drop the crown and necklace. “This is super cringe, get the fuck off stage.”


“Sorry, sorry, we’ll go!” Nigel said in a mock panic, reaching into his backpack.


“But not before, this!”


With a whirl, he slammed a cream-filled pie straight into the back of t0xxic’s head, shunting him forward into…


SMACK! Ada’s other pie, which splattered whipped cream across his face. Spluttering, t0xxic tried to wipe the cream out of his eyes, but not before two more pies came straight at his gut, splattering apple and blueberry chunks across his pristine, white jacket.


“No!” he screamed, tottering backwards and falling on his back. “My jacket!!”


Nigel and Ada laughed, and turned to the crowd, hurling the remainders of the pies into the mob and reaching back into their backpacks.


“Food fight!” someone shouted from the crowd, throwing the first potato and gravy missile at the stage.


“Let’s get out of here!” Ada yelped as it narrowly missed her.


“We just have one more-” Nigel hurriedly, panting with adrenaline, and pulled out the envelopes, spilling some of the carefully packed glitter onto the stage. He swore, and chucked them in an arc across to t0xxic’s general direction, with glitter trailing behind, coating t0xxic in a fine rainbow of shimmering dust.


“NIGE!” Ada screamed, and pulled on his hoodie. The crowd had become chaotic, aiming most of their first shots at the two of them, but now starting to spread out and move towards the stage. White and brown potato chunks were flying in all directions, making the ground slippery with starch, and caking faces with oily gravy. 


They ran out behind the stage, and headed into the city, ducking and weaving around the afternoon rush of office workers heading home. They were being pursued by a small breakaway of t0xxic fans, but the fants soon gave up to join back in the fun. Nigel’s phone buzzed as they ran back to the car, stashed away in an alleyway.


Jumping in the car, they quickly dumped their masks, gloves and backpacks into the dumpster behind them. Ada pulled out into the street and saw from afar that the chaos had spread out across the road into Flinders St station, with black t-shirted teens causing mayhem in the streets. An angry horn behind her brought her back to reality, and she quickly made a turn out to freedom.



A short 15 minutes later, as they were driving up the Hume Highway back home, Nigel whooped next to her. “Look at this!” he said excitedly.


“that shit was DOPE dude”

“[@digitcat has sent $200 to @newvengeance]”

“let’s do this again sometimes”


“I’m fuckin’ CACKLIN”

“[@gerodSIN has sent $100 to @newvengeance]”


“[sams3 has sent $50 to @newvengeance]”

“get outta town boys, t0xxic’s coming”


“The clips are gonna be outta control!” Nigel continued. “We gotta get some branding on this! Can we get our TikTok going?”


Nigel kept chattering as they sped along the freeway, dreaming up new ways to capitalise on their success. The sun slowly turned orange, and the freeway lights came on as they drove further into the heartland of the bush. Ada wound down the windows and let the fresh breeze in, breathing in the sweet honeyed air, buoyed by the first win in a long, long time.


“Yeah, sure, let’s do it,”Ada smiled.


Italy was waiting.

Tuesday, August 16, 2022

,

exercise #16: meetings

 Topic: Modern Day


"No," Sasha said. "I said I'm not going."

Janet pouted at her, "Come onnnn it's only for an hour and we'll back before you know it!"

"Last time you said that I wasn't back here for 3 days, and my cat nearly died," she said with a smile. She couldn't do that to Gerard again! Poor thing looked like a crunched up chip packet when she finally got home, and smelt like one too. She gestured to the white-striped cat stretching by the window.

"Yeah, but how often do you get to party with J Saunders!" Janet said excitedly.

"Never, but also, I never wanted to?"

"Pft you had the most fun outta us all!"

Sasha hesitated, ran her hand through her long, dark hair in contemplation, and then rested it on the doorknob. "Are we done here, Jan?"

"Hmph," Janet harrumphed. "You're totally missing out."

"Sure I am...byeeee Janet - let me know how it goes," Sasha laughed, and closed the door.

"Or maybe I'll just bring the fun to you next time," Janet called as she sauntered back to her car. "It's going to be WILD!"

The sound of Janet's car revving out of the long-term motel that served as Sasha's small little universe helped to calm her nerves. Janet had been her best friend since uni, but hadn't learned the joys of a peaceful Saturday morning pottering around at home. It could be great to set out with Janet on a ridiculous adventure out of this shitty town, but there was a whole lot of nothing planned for Saturday, paired with a fresh cup of coffee, and Sasha was determined to keep her appointment.

She pulled on a beige cable-knit sweater, walked over to her window and sank into the plush, green armchair that sat by her window looking out through the motel towards the street, comfortably hugging her arms around her knees. She sat here on her weekend mornings watching people, silently assessing their fears, anxieties, desires and needs. It was a relaxing way to unfocus her mind from a hectic week of chasing down leads in the sleepy yet elusive town.

Here, for example, was 'Old Man Timothy', the pepper-haired black gentleman from Room 17 who would without fail, totter out of his room at 10am to get to the free Continental breakfast being served in the ritzy, run-down lounge. The squat green hat he'd donned today matched perfectly with his shiny, emerald-green shoes and a white collared shirt, and his hat tipped precariously as he slowly made his way across the carpark. He'd arrived a month ago, and seemed like he'd be joining the regulars like Sasha for a long term stint - something she was looking forward to.

In comparison, the two kids from 23 were making a racket running up and down, round and round through the stairways and the outside areas. They were jabbering in a language Sasha didn't know, but she thought she recognised Korean phrases as they went around. Japanese? Eh, she thought, who cares - they were a blow-through family that were in for the Children's festival. Their juvenile laughter and terrifying shrieks couldn't make it fully through the double-glazed, orange-tinted windows of her room, but the impression was unsettling enough.

Then there were the two elderly sisters in Room 5 that were staples of the place, peering out of their windows just like her. Apparently, they had moved in 30 years ago and were being paid to stay there for some reason. Lovely beaming smiles as newbies came through, horrible if you were a regular. Sasha shuddered at the memory of her returning home at 3am one night, seeing the window to Room 5 suddenly slam open and two wrinkly old women hurling insults and waking up the motel just because of her.

A blaring trumpet jolted her out of her reveries, followed by the raucous din of a loud, multi-coloured bus that paused outside the motel.

"Hear ye, hear ye," a bored voice blared out of the megaphone. "The Children's Day is upon us. Please help us welcome...Jeremyyyyy Franklinnnnn!"

Screams perforated the air as children streamed out of rooms, flocking to the balloons and acrobatic figures languidly start their performance. A crowned figure smoothly emerged from the bus, and burst out on to the street to confetti cannons...

...which unfortunately caused Sasha to flinch in surprise, and knock over her steaming coffee cup. The splatter of the coffee spilt on to the table, hit the chair, spread across the rug, and started seeping into the carpet. Gerard squealed at the sudden explosion of noise and ran towards the bathroom.

Fuck, Sasha thought. She hurriedly ran to the kitchenette to grab some paper towel, and rushed back to mop up what she could. She soaked up most of the liquid from the table and chair, but the stains on the carpet and rug were stubborn.

"Gerard!" she called. She went looking for him in the bathroom, but he was nowhere to be found.

Crap, Sasha thought. I'll have to find him later - probably in the damn roof again. Gotta get that coffee out first.

Cleaning supplies were held under lock and key by the tight-fisted proprietor of the motel, and his nosy, stubborn daughter, Fran, would ask lots of questions about what she needed it for.

Sasha sighed, grabbed her keys, snaked her feet into some comfy flip-flops and set out for reception. Looking out at the motel front, a small crowd had formed to see acrobats climb up and over the bus, jump down and throw each other around. Fantastic, athletic bodies shimmered in the sunlight, rhinestone kaleidoscopes shining and glittering to enamoured fans.

"Hey Fran," Sasha smiled.

A gruff woman looked up at her over her glasses, "Yes?"

"Fun day outside, huh?" Sasha said brightly.

Fran stared. "Didja want somethin'?"

"Ah, yeah, I just need a few cleaning supplies," Sasha said breezily. "I've spilt some coffee and want to clean it up so..."

"But you're not supposed to have coffee in the rooms," Fran snapped.

"Residents are allowed one take-away coffee to be purchased between the hours of 9pm Friday and 10am Sunday," Sasha intoned, something she had observed from the biddies in Room 5.

"Not without a permit," Fran shot back stubbornly.

Sasha wasn't perturbed, "I've been here long enough to know that ain't real. Come on, I pay you enough don't I?"

Fran grunted, and paused for a moment.

"It's...a new policy" she said, with a glint in her eye.

Innovative, Sasha thought begrudgingly.

"Look, can we just skip this part where you and I get into a punch-up about what is and isn't policy, and get to the point in this conversation where we get out of each other's hair?"

"Sure," Fran said primly. "But policy's policy."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever. I'll get the permit when you sit down and write it up. Now - cleaning supplies?" Sasha put her hand out and stared unflinching at Fran.

Fran attempted to hold the stare steady, until the door opening behind Sasha interrupted her. She looked up, surprised, and scurried to the back room to get the cleaning supplies.

Sasha turned around and saw the royally-bedecked crowned figure who had been dancing and singing for the kids. His gaudy crown sat on his head at an angle, a fur-lined purple robe adorning his shoulders, and loud jester shoes - literally, they had bells on. He took off his sunglasses and glanced around the dingy reception area.

"You work here?" he said casually.

"Nope," Sasha leaned back on the table. "Do I look like I do?"

He smirked, "Appearances can be deceiving, unless you're me. Know who I am?"

"King Henry the 8th?"

"Nope."

"Prince Harry?"

"Uh, no..."

"A really bad impersonation of Queen Elizabeth? You've got the clothes but your wrinkles aren't fully formed so its-"

He interrupted her, "I'm King of the Children's Festival, Jeremy Franklin," he said loudly, and pulled out a cane from the deep recesses of his robe with an unsteady flourish. In his other hand, he brought out a rose and tried to present it to her, but it dropped from his hand.

She looked blankly down at the rose, then back at him, "Who?"

"Huh?" He hesitated, and dropped his arms.

"Who's Jeremy Franklin? Am I supposed to know who you are?" she said, confused.

"I'm a worldwide ch- ugh, don't worry about it. Where's the receptionist?" he fumed. "Some idiot child got in front of the actors and got kicked in the face - we need some ice."

Sasha said warily, "She's getting me some cleaning gear - spilt some coffee from the racket you made earlier."

Jeremy looked her up and down, taking in the robe, hair and baggy sweater.

"You livin' here or something?" he asked gruffly, taking a step towards her.

"Why?"

He weaved in closer, "Well do you know where the ice packs are, then?"

"No," Sasha turned back to see if Fran had returned and tried to ignore Jeremy.

"Oi, I asked you a question" Jeremy said angrily. He moved closer towards her.

"Yeah, and I told you I don't fucking work here," Sasha slid away from his advance.

"What's your problem, bitch?" he lunged and tried to grab at her.

"Uh, can you fucking step back please? You smell like shit," Sasha deftly dodged him again. From this distance, she could smell the alcoholic fumes and the see his red-eyed bleariness.

"Why aren't you HELPING ME?" he shouted and caught hold of Sasha's arm.

Panicking, she tried to pull away and fell back on to the table, pulling them both down on to the floor with a crash.

"Let go of me!" she cried. She aimed a punch at his face and connected solidly. He cried out in pain and let go of her wrist, clutching his nose.

"What the fuck's going on?" Fran shouted as she came back into reception, arms full wih cleaning supplies. Jeremy quickly crawled around and tried to get up.

"This bitch tried to-"

Sasha took the opportunity in the disturbance to grab the ceramic ashtray that had fallen to the ground, and threw it at Jeremy, cracking into pieces off his head with a resounding thwack. He roared, swung around and blindly tried to attack her. She tried to scrabble away, and felt him grab her ankle.

"Get back here!"

Sasha aimed a kick back at Jeremy, felt his grip loosen, and scrambled up to the door to try and escape. Her phone started ringing, and she fumbled for it as she got hold of the door handle.

Flinging it open, she saw that a crowd was forming for her own rousing fight. She pushed her way out into the cold Saturday morning air, ignoring the stares, and pulled her robe around her, striding back to her room.

Shivering, Sasha ripped the blaring phone out of her pocket, and saw it was Janet.

"What?!"

"Sasha! Sasha! You won't believe the day I just had!"

Without pausing for breath, Janet rushed on, "We just won tickets to the King's show down at the Children's Festival - it's Jeremy Franklin performing!! Come down come down!!"

Sasha stopped, turned, and looked back at the horrified faces of the children who were now crowding around the unconscious figure of Jeremy Franklin being carried out by the kaleidoscopic acrobats, with Fran's frantic cries in the background.

"Uhh....I think I might have you beat for once, Jan..."